The Ashes on Our Hands
by FinishedFics
Summary: Post Infinity War: Tony and Steve are worlds apart dealing with the emptiness of lost family members. They've lost everything. Did they lose one another?


_Written by Sara K._

This fic was written to cope with the Infinity war aftermath. Major spoilers ahead.

* * *

A hole.

That's what it felt like.

It felt like a hole had been blown through his chest.

Steve hadn't moved from his spot in the grass. Everyone else had either stayed on their feet, frozen in horror; or had collapsed on the ground with him.

He had no idea how long he'd been sitting there; how long they all had stayed in silence.

They lost.

How could they lose? What did they do wrong? They weren't supposed to lose. They were on the side of life. They shouldn't have lost. They were good. They were strong. They were right. They weren't supposed to lose.

They were Avengers.

They were _good_.

Every breath he took felt like shards of glass in his lungs.

Steve had never felt so lost. Even seven years ago when he'd woken up from the ice; he didn't feel as lost as he did now. What was he supposed to do? What could he do?

A hole.

That's what it felt like.

When he'd woken up, the only thing he had was the Avengers.

The only family he had.

And half of them were gone now.

Bucky.

Sam.

Wanda.

Vision.

T'challa.

 _"_ _Oh god."_ His soft voice repeating the only thing he could say. It didn't feel real. It felt like he had been caught in a dream, no- a nightmare. He was just trapped, waiting to wake up.

To wake up to his family.

He kept repeating the plea, the shocked two words, as the reality continued to settle in. The reality that they lost.

He shouldn't have lost.

Then another name came to mind.

Tony.

 _"_ _Oh god."_ He whispered again.

 **Tony.**

Where was he? Was he alright? Was he coming back? Was he hurt? Did he know what happened?

Was he alive?

Steve's heart lurched.

 _Was he alive?_

He turned down to the dust on the ground in front of him. The dust of Bucky. His friend. His family. His brother.

Did he lose both of them?

Both halves of his self?

Steve's fist clenched around a handful of the dust, his eyes clamping shut. He could feel his shoulders shake as he pleaded.

The hole was getting bigger.

 _Please God, please I can't...don't take both of them away._ Steve prayed. _Please._

 _—_ _-_

A hole.

That's what it felt like.

Tony felt empty. The shell of who he had been yesterday.

The pain in his side, the stab wound from a piece of his own armor ripping through his flesh, it didn't compare to the pain he felt in his chest.

Emptiness.

They lost.

His watery gaze stayed on the ground. A red blur was all he could see.

 _He_ lost.

His nightmare. The dreams. His panic attacks. His visions. All the warnings he had. Every chance he had to stop it. It happened anyway.

 _I saw them all dead, Nick. I felt it. The whole world too. It's because of me. I wasn't ready. I didn't do all I could._

 _I didn't do all I could._

Why didn't he do all he could?

 _It wasn't a nightmare, it was my legacy. The end of the path I started us on._

The path had ended. The nightmare was real. He was alone. He killed them. He did it. He was in space on a planet, alone, and he killed them.

It was his worst fear, and it was real.

His reality.

Streaks of dirt, dust, tears and blood ran down his face.

 _You could've saved us._

Steve.

He remembered. His voice so clear in his ear. The vision. Before Ultron. Seeing him die in front of him. Seeing him suffer. He could hear his best friend's voice so clearly.

Best friend? Yes. He'd forgiven him. He knew in his heart he'd forgiven him. He always had.

Tony had seen something in Steve he'd never seen before; fear. Captain America wasn't afraid of anything. Tony had never known for fear to even be an emotion he had. But in that moment, in that vision, in that nightmare, he wasn't Captain America; he was Steve Rogers. A kid from Brooklyn. Not an Avenger. Not an earth's mightiest hero. Just Steve.

The guy Tony grew to call a friend.

The guy Tony considered family.

And he was dying.

 _Why didn't you do more?_

The memory finished with Steve's final words.

 _Why didn't you do more?_

 _ **Why didn't I do more?**_

Tony closed his eyes.

"Why didn't I call him sooner?" He whispered under his breath.

He took away the best defense they had against Thanos; the Avengers. He broke them apart; and he had two years to fix it. But he did nothing. Maybe if they had been together, maybe if they'd fought as one, maybe if they weren't stranded planets apart; maybe they could've won.

 _Why didn't you call him?_

 _Why didn't you call the damn phone?_

Tony let out a harsh breath. His hands grabbing at his hair as he pressed his chin against his chest. He let out another harsh sigh as he squeezed his eyes closed again. His hands shaking heavily.

What if they're all dead? What if everyone's gone?

He never told Pepper how sorry he was.

He never told the rest of the Avengers that they were right, that he shouldn't have signed the accords, that he should've stayed with them.

He never told Steve that he forgave him.

He never told Steve he was sorry and that he still cared.

That he was still his family.

"My sister,"

Tony snapped up. He'd forgotten there was someone else with him. The blue girl. She sat a few feet away from him. Quill had told them she was going to meet them on Titan, that's why they were there in the first place. Her name had slipped his mind.

"she has two other friends. They might still be alive. I have to..." He voice choked up and she looked down at the dirt. She shook her head and got to her feet. "I have to find them. I have to tell them."

Tony stared at her a moment. He wiped his face and turned away.

"There's only one working ship left on this rock." She nodded. "You should come."

Tony let out a long sigh before running another hand through his hair.

He grunted, clearing his throat. "They're with Thor. That's where Quill said the rest of his team was."

"Do you know where he'd be?"

Tony thought a moment. "With all this..." He bit his lip, "probably Earth."

"Then we go to Earth."

Tony didn't look at her. He stayed staring at the destroyed horizon.

"Your friend might be alive too."

Tony didn't move.

There was a long drawn out silence before he heard her step up behind him.

"We can't stay here and your bleeding out."

Another silence.

She hesitantly placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry about your friends. I truly am. I understand. But we have to go."

Tony looked down at the dirt, pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers.

"I can't leave you here."

In truth, he wish she would leave him. Tony didn't want to go back to Earth. He wanted to die here, alone, with the nightmare. He didn't want to know who he'd lost. He didn't want to go to a planet he had failed. He wanted to stay on this desolate one. If he left, it made it real.

He turned back up to her. Now that she was closer, Tony was able to get a better look at her. She seemed much younger than him. Obviously, she wasn't human so who knew how old she was. But she had young eyes. Young eyes full of fear, pain and loss.

Young eyes that reminded him of...

"I'm...I'm sorry about your sister." He spoke, his gaze soft.

Her jaw clenched. She turned away to wipe her eyes a moment before nodding.

"I'm Nebula."

Tony's shoulders dropped as he lifted his hand to her. "Tony Stark."

She hesitated a moment before taking it. Nebula shook it once and a cracked smile flashed on her face before being followed by her bottom lip quivering. She was trying so hard to keep it all in.

Tony understood that feeling.

He felt it every day.

"Let me help you," Nebula reached out for him.

Tony nodded, taking her arm and using her to balance himself. Pain shot through his side. He let out a grunt as he wobbled onto his feet.

Almost as soon as she let go of him, Tony felt the weight of his body vanish. His vision blurry. The seal he had used on his stab wound didn't hold. Who knew how long he'd been sitting there, bleeding in the dirt. He swayed a moment before his vision went totally black. He felt his body falling, falling, falling.

Nebula yelled.

"STARK!"

—-

"Somethings coming..."

Steve looked up to see Okoye on her knees a yard away. She had tears running down her face. The general had been mourning her King's death until this point. One of the metal piece of her bracelet had lit up a purple hologram; it showed some kind of ship on the edge of the atmosphere.

Suddenly a roaring sound, almost one of a jet, blasted across the sky. Everyone turned up and watched the ship skim through the clouds before coming to a rough landing in the field of grass that sat beyond the trees.

Steve turned to Thor. A look of rage on his face as sparks began to fly around him.

"Seems he's come back for more."

"Thor wait-"

Then the god leapt into the sky, his axe in hand.

"Quill."

Steve turned back around to see the creature next to him. He would've called it a raccoon but it stood on two legs and had the voice of a person. It was the ally that Thor had brought with him from god knows where.

"That's Quill's ship; WAIT THOR!" The raccoon yelled, running after him.

Steve didn't think twice before jumping to his feet as well. He followed close behind the raccoon through the trees before they came onto the field.

Thor stood in front of the ship. His axe at his side. The sparks from before now gone.

The raccoon and Steve jogged up beside him.

"It is the ship of the Morons." Thor nodded.

Steve narrowed his eyes in confusion.

"Not morons." The raccoon shook his head. "Guardians."

A loud screech came as the back of the ship folded open. Steve readied his vibranium shield at his arm.

Suddenly, Thor pressed his hand against Steve's chest. Steve glanced over to see him shake his head.

"Tis not necessary Captain, these are friends, not foes." Thor smiled.

Steve put his arm down and turned his gaze back to the ship.

The three watched a moment before a blue woman appeared at the stairs.

Then Thor's expression changed, his tone shifting back to anger. "But I know not of her."

The raccoon pressed a paw against Thor's boot. "She's with us." He nodded before running up to her.

The two Avengers watched them stop in front of each other. The raccoon looking at her a moment before looking behind back towards the entrance of the ship.

There was a long pause of silence.

The girl closed her eyes as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"No..." the raccoon whispered, "not Gamora...not her..."

Another long pause. He rubbed his face a moment before turn back up to her.

"Mantis? Drax?"

She shook her head.

"W-what?" His voice was so in shock. So empty and confused.

"Quill?"

Silence.

"No no no no..." his voice was broken now. "...no no no NO!"

He leapt forwards, jumping towards the ship. The blue woman grabbed him tightly, falling into the dirt with him in her arms.

"LET ME GO! THEY'RE NOT ALL GONE! THEY'RE NOT! THEY CAN'T BE! THEY'RE ALL I HAD! THEY'RE ALL I HAD! LET ME GO!"

The woman cried as she tightly held him against her chest, not letting go.

Steve felt his heart break.

He wasn't the only one who lost their world today.

He saw Thor's face full of guilt.

"I knew them only for a short time." He sighed. "They seemed good."

Steve looked down at the ground. He rubbed a hand over his face before placing his other hand on Thor's shoulder. He didn't have anything to say. That's all he could do.

They stood there for a while. The raccoon had broken into quiet cries, the woman holding him for the time being.

After moments passed, the raccoon suddenly ripped out of her grasp and ran to the trees.

The woman sat there a moment, watching where he'd disappeared from.

More silence fell before she stood up from the ground. She wiped her face and dusted off her clothes. She turned her attention to the two men in front of her.

"Um..." Her voice was so weak. She sniffled a few times before swallowing and planting her feet. Her shoulders squared off like a soldier would be before battle. Her eyes on them.

"Do either of you know a Tony Stark?"

Steve's heart stopped.

He felt his stomach drop to the ground and his lungs hold his breath.

 _Tony?_

He let go of Thor and took a step forwards. His legs suddenly weak.

"I-I do." He said, almost at a whisper. "We both do."

The girl let out a sigh of relief.

"He's hurt really bad. He's on the ship if you want to get him." She gestured to the doorway. "He won't let me help him."

He was alive.

 _Tony was alive._

Steve took in a few heavy breaths. He turned to Thor and nodded. "I'll get him, you can help once I get him out of there."

Thor nodded back. "Understood."

Steve took a moment before he began to walk forwards. Each step felt like he was floating.

 _Thank you. Thank you God._

He made his way past the woman before marching up the stairs.

When he got to the top, Steve couldn't see anyone. It was a large open bay. He searched the space the best he could before moving up the stairs to the cockpit of the vessel.

He froze.

Tony sat on the ground with his back against the wall at the top of the stairs. He faced out the front of the ship.

Sniffling and deep short breaths were the only noise that came from him. His knees were pulled up to his chest while his right elbow sat on top of one. The hand pressed over his mouth. His shoulders shook furiously as he tried to hold himself still with his other arm.

Steve slowly walked up the last steps. He turned the corner to see Tony's eyes were shut. His face covered in dirt and blood. One clean streak of a tear ran down from his eye. Steve looked at him a moment before he kneeled down in front of him.

Gently, he rested a hand on the other man's shoulder.

"Tony?"

Suddenly Tony's shoulders stopped shaking and he went silent. His eyes opened and rested on Steve's face.

He didn't look angry or happy or sad; he looked...empty.

Tony stared at him and Steve stared back.

It was dead quiet.

Suddenly Tony took in a shaky breath and pulled his hand away from his mouth.

"Steve?"

His voice. It was like that of a child. A terrified pained child.

Steve firmed his grip on his shoulder.

"It's me Tony"

Tony's gaze looked at the rest of him. Raking across his face.

"You changed your hair."

Steve couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah I did."

Tony flashed a bit of a grin back.

Another silence feel over them.

Steve watched as Tony's grin disappeared. He shifted his jaw and looked at his lap before turning back to Steve. His eyes growing watery.

"Who'd we lose?"

Steve kept his eyes on him. The lump in his throat growing.

"Sam, Wanda, Vision, T'challa."

Every name Steve spoke made an impact on his expression. Eventually Tony leaned his head back against the wall. He closed his eyes a moment before nodding and staring back at the floor.

"And..."

Tony looked up to see Steve's gaze now away from him. He took in a deep breath.

"And Bucky."

Steve looked back up at Tony.

Tony watched him a moment before staring past him, like he was thinking. A few seconds passed before he turned back to Steve.

He pressed a hand on Steve's arm.

"I'm sorry."

Steve felt a weight lift off his shoulders. Tony's eyes were soft, he truly was sorry. Steve let out the air that he'd been holding in. He looked down and wiped his nose with his sleeve before turning back to Tony.

Again, a silence.

A small smile plastered on Tony's face. "I bet point break loves you copied his beard."

Steve chuckled. "Yeah he's already brought it up."

Tony stayed smiling at him.

Smiling.

Smiling.

Then the corners of his mouth began to twitch.

Then, like that, he wasn't smiling.

Tony covered his face with his hands, gripping his hair with his fingers. He took in a couple of panicked breaths before pulling his hands away. Tony then clambered to his feet, using the wall to balance him.

"I can't I can't wear this mask anymore Rogers, I can't I can't do it-"

Steve jumped to his feet and grabbed his shoulders. "Tony-" He helped him up, getting his attention. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"The time stone." Tony shook his head. "I found it with this wizard and I was trying to protect it. That's why I went on that ship." Tony bit his lip. "I thought it would be better to take the fight to him, I thought it would be better...but he took anyway."

Steve tightened his grip on him.

"Tony it's alright-"

"Then I guess he came here." Tony continued. "He got the rest, then he snapped his fingers, then they all just went away. I didn't know them well but I saw them all just...just go."

Then Tony's breathing became erratic. Almost like he was becoming out of breath. He pulled back from Steve, holding his trembling left arm close to his chest.

"He wasn't supposed to be there, he wasn't supposed to be there." Tears streamed down his face. "I told him to go home. I told him...he wasn't supposed to be there..."

Steve's eyes widened, he tried to steady him. "Who? What happened Tony?"

Tony looked up at him. His whole body shaking.

"t-that kid. The spider kid from the airport. I swore I wouldn't let anything happen to him Steve. He wanted to help me. I told him to go home but he came anyways..."

Steve remembered.

The kid from Queens.

The kid with heart.

"He begged me. He begged me to save him." Tony wrapped his arms around himself. His eyes full of pain and loss. It was like he was falling apart. "He begged me Steve. I couldn't...I couldn't do anything. I just held him. I couldn't do anything. Why could I do anything?"

Steve's heart broke in half. He'd never seen Tony so vulnerable. So broken. So unmade.

Yes Tony was alive.

But a big part of him wasn't.

"I just held him...I just held him until..." Tony pulled out his hands. Dark specks of ash covered them. Just as they covered Steve's.

Tony stared at his hands.

Silent tears rolled down his cheeks.

"I killed him...he was a kid...he didn't deserve...I killed him..."

"Tony."

He shifted his gaze at Steve's soft tone.

"It's not your fault."

Tony just stared back.

"It's not your fault."

He took in a deep breath and kept his unchanging expression on Steve.

"It's not your fault."

Tony let out a breath, his body shaking less.

"It's not your fault."

"Steve-"

"Hey," He cut him off. "It's not your fault."

"I-"

"It's not your fault."

Tony blinked, more tears rolled down his face.

"It's. Not. Your. Fault."

Tony's gaze lost its weight. Everything lost its weight.

Then Steve took a small step closer. His voice as quiet and gentle as he could make it.

"It's not your fault."

Tony held his stance only for a second before collapsing forwards. He wrapped his arms around Steve's neck and buried his face in his shoulder. Steve hugged him back, holding him tightly.

Slowly, Tony's breathing slowed and the tears stopped.

They stood there for so long but neither cared.

Just keeping each other up.

Two sides of the same coin.

They were safe.

They were safe together.

The storm passed.

"I missed you Tony."

"I missed you too Cap."


End file.
